:: for your consideration ::

Lack of purpose

2011-07-18T20:10:00.000-07:00

You know it's been a while since I've blogged because I couldn't even remember what my blog site was called. I had to find the web address on my facebook. Ridiculous.

What is the purpose of this blog? Other than updating the ONE reader of my boring life, I think it serves no purpose. So, I am going to try to revamp my blog and make it one worthy of reading. See ya when I decide on something....

Baby Steps

2010-08-09T20:29:00.001-07:00

Writing has always come fairly easy to me. I'm pretty good at grammar and style, but when it comes to the content of the piece, I tend to struggle. What's worse is that I can't seem to get motivated to write anything. I have plenty of things in my head that would be potential topics, but I am so lazy that I am incapable of putting words on the screen. I am amazed that I'm writing anything at all right now! [be amazed.]

My life in Austin, Texas this past year has not been when I expected it to be. Moving from the capitol city of the nation to the capitol city of Texas was supposed to be a turning point in my life. Maybe it was. I mean, I met the love of my life here, so I can't complain about that. But I don't have much else to show for the past year's worth of my existence. I'm broke, jobless, and in debt. I've lost most of my intellectual confidence, gained a few pounds of weight, and cut my long hair into a short mess. But maybe, throughout this time of uncertainty, God has used this past year of tears, as therapy to bring me to a state of healing so that I would be able to more clearly understand what he is to lay out for me.

As I embark on this new chapter (which will not be revealed publicly for a few more months), I look forward to figuring out how God's going to use it. Oh, how I hope he does.

That's all for now.

Baby steps.

"You touched my heart and you touched my soul"

2009-07-10T18:35:00.000-07:00

I seem to take my mood cues from music. Whatever I'm listening to dictates my mood. I love to quote music lyrics. Music reminds me of certain life events, people, and places. I associate my memories directly to the music I was listening to at the time. When I listen to anything from Mamma Mia, I think of that time I convinced Shelton that seeing the sing-a-long version of Mamma Mia would be a fabulous idea. (He loved it by the way...HA!) It also reminds me of Jenny because she would listen to that soundtrack over and over again until she finally got the movie for her birthday. When I hear Ashley Simpson, I am reminded of the time that Kat P and I drove around Brownwood singing "Pieces of Me." It also reminds me of the summer that I listened to Jessica Simpson everyday as I drove to work in Granite Shoals. My sister got me hooked on that album. Anytime a song from RENT comes on, I am reminded of all the times Kristen and I sang our hearts out as we drove to get a soda at the gas station or when we did "fly-bys" or when we cried over boys. And who could forget.... "Back that ass up"....I will always remember this song because it played over and over again in the background of the first party I ever went to. I was a sophomore in high school and had never been around underaged drinking in my entire life. I was scared out of my mind. So was T and Mandar. Mandar's mom was picking us up from the party and we were all so scared to do anything that might make her mom suspicious so we were the cool ones that just watched in awe as everyone else got wasted and we sat around holding drinks, pretending like we were actually drinking them. (I'm pretty sure we were all too scared to actually drink them.) ha! Oh and mandar... "A long, long time ago. I can still remember.....sh*t brown truck." Need I say more? That song is the theme song for our entire Junior year and all the shenanigans we got into with band boys and flat tires and such!

Dave Matthews always reminds me of Brett, Nathan, Tara, Jo, David, and Ben. I remember the time that Nathan and I snuck away from Fiesta to go down to Rivercenter mall to buy tickets to our first Dave concert. It was well worth the risk of being busted. Beastie Boys make me think of IXA and their awesome spring sing shows. I will always remember the time I painted my room in 8th grade. I listened to the entire Celine Dion album called, "Let's Talk About Love." I listened to it about 100 times. HALLE BERRY! HALLE BERRY HALLE BERRY. Always Jo. (and of course, the Jesse McCartney song, "Leavin.") Eddie Vedder's soundtrack to "Into the Wild" always reminds me of last summer in DC. I played that album a lot as I spent many hours in the office, being productive, of course. "Ghetto Prostitute" aka "Ghetto Superstar" is a memory that I will always have of Lauren Kelly. "You are a tower"- Kelly, Wall, Bates and Choir Tour in Tennessee. "Blessed are They" reminds me of all the times Lauren and I sang that song duet style and when Katy sang her solo on choir tour to NYC.

Flight of the Concords reminds me of Josh, Garth Brooks reminds me of Stan, Goo Goo Dolls reminds me of Kelly in 8th grade, and Def Leppard reminds me of Eleazar. "Go on, go on...leave me breathless" Ahh, good times with Tara and her pep squad officer routine. I can still do that dance too. Anytime a good 80's classic comes on, I am always reminded of Kendal and Mal and all the times we danced around the apartment singing and laughing. Oh, and how could i forget?? "I don't even know...where my life would be!!" oh Mal. Gotta love her! Muse always makes me think of Lauren. So does Slumdog and Wicked. Any of the music on Grey's will always remind me of Lauren too since that was our show that we watched together (among many others).

It's obvious that listening to music is how I am reminded of all of my memories. Music serves as the place marker in my mind for all the good times I have shared with all of my good friends. Just a few notes in a song or a few phrases of lyrics can muster up the memories I thought I had forgotten. I am thankful for the role that music and lyrics play in my life. If you read my tweets, you know how central music lyrics are to me. Music often is able to express feelings and emotions in ways that I am not able to articulate. There is beauty in them and I appreciate the thought that each writer put into his or her songs. I search for lyrics that can express my joy, my pain, or my despair. When I find them, I hold them close. They then become directly associated with that moment in my life and I forever remember those times based on that particular song. Sitting on the metro today, ipod on shuffle, I found a song that is almost exactly perfect for what I am feeling at this moment. I've never even heard this song before. Didn't even know I had it. Funny how this is exactly what what I want to say to you even though I don't know how.....

"Goodbye My Lover" by James Blunt

Did I disappoint you or let you down?

Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?

'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,

Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.

So I took what's mine by eternal right.

Took your soul out into the night.

It may be over but it won't stop there,

I am here for you if you'd only care.

You touched my heart you touched my soul.

You changed my life and all my goals.

And love is blind and that I knew when,

My heart was blinded by you.

I've kissed your lips and held your hand.

Shared your dreams and shared your bed.

I know you well, I know your smell.

I've been addicted to you.

[x2]

Goodbye my lover.

Goodbye my friend.

You have been the one.

You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer and when i wake,

You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.

And as you move on, remember me,

Remember us and all we used to be

I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.

I've watched you sleeping for a while.

I'd be the father of your child.

I'd spend a lifetime with you.

I know your fears and you know mine.

We've had our doubts but now we're fine,

And I love you, I swear that's true.

I cannot live without you.

[x2]

Goodbye my lover.

Goodbye my friend.

You have been the one.

You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.

In mine when I'm asleep.

And I will bare my soul in time,

When I'm kneeling at your feet.

Goodbye my lover.

Goodbye my friend.

You have been the one.

You have been the one for me.

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.

I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.

I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

Wasting time with designer handbags

2009-07-09T09:07:00.000-07:00

Hello all. Sorry that my medical update below didn't exactly post well. I'm not sure how to fix that. If you wanna read that, go to my facebook. It's there and not cut off like it is here.

I feel like I should blog more. Why? I'm not sure. I've recently focused my efforts of updating you on my life via Twitter or Facebook status, but I feel like that might not be good enough. But honestly, who is even reading this blog and who even cares? Sometimes I don't. But I guess it's nice to have some sort of public journal that I can go back to and read one day far in the future. Will I even care then to read the rants of a heartbroken, moody female? Who honestly wants to read about that? Well, I certainly don't. Admit it. You don't want to either. So why are you reading this?

Ha! I must be in some mood today. Work is about to get really busy next week and I need to conserve all the energy I have so that I can actually survive what Eric and I have named, "Hell Week."

This is my first attempt to begin blogging again. Don't blame me for the short post. Heck, I'm at work. I shouldn't be wasting time writing to invisible no ones.....especially because I spent the morning bidding on Longchamp handbags. Ugh, my obsession with designer bags. I'm poor. I don't have money to spend on designer bags. But, used is the way to go. Let's hope I win at least one of the 8 bids I placed. Let's be honest, there is no way my bid of $20 is going to win a designer handbag. ;)

Until I post again, farewell....

....and I thought I had everything planned....

2009-06-07T04:38:00.001-07:00

Well, my sweet friends...this is a post I recently posted on Facebook. I am posting it here so that you blogger friends can read it. I know you have probably already read it on FB anyways, but here goes.....

I am writing you this note because it is a lot easier for me to say it once then to call each of you and explain what is going on. First, I want to say thank you for your prayers and support. The past week has been easier because I knew you were behind me and praying for me. For those who are unaware of what is going on, here is an explination....

On Saturday night, I lost vision in my right eye. I’m not completely blind, but my vision is very blurry, making it incredibly difficult to read, facebook stalk, and watch TV. I thought it was just a problem with my contact so I ignored it. The next day, the problem persisted, and it has yet to go away. I spent half the day on Tuesday and all day Wednesday in the Eye Center wing of the Washington Hospital Center. The doctors are amazing and I have actually enjoyed my experience, but as an uninsured patient, things are not easy for me. I am fortunate to have found the WHC because they see patients who have no income and who are uninsured at a very reasonable price. I was seen by 4 different doctors and had 3 or 4 different tests done. No one could figure out what was wrong. They said my eye is perfectly healthy and looks exactly like it should. Since we know it's not my eye, it must be a problem in the brain. This could also explain other problems I have been experiencing like my extreme dizziness, sensitivity to light, fatigue, and a number of other issues. The doctor ordered an MRI, but since I am uninsured, I can't afford to get this test done. It will cost $4500 for the one test. After hours of crying and worrying, I finally found a place that would do my MRI for $1400- the exact amount I had in my savings. Although it was incredibly hard to write a check for that amount, I am confident that the Lord knew what He was doing when I put that money into my savings account only a few months ago. My MRI was scheduled for 3pm on Thursday and this morning I picked up the results and took it to my doctor to be analyzed.

Here are the results.... Basically, I have what’s called optic neuritis. Optic neuritis is inflammation of the optic nerve, which causes vision loss. Also found in the MRI were two small areas of white matter changes which are suggestive of a demyelinating disease like multiple sclerosis. Although I have not been diagnosed with MS yet, I have many of the beginning signs of it. I have started IV treatment today and will continue to receive IV treatment for the next few days at the hospital. This treatment will speed up recovery to my lost vision and decrease any reoccurrence that may come up within the next few years. I will begin oral steroids after my IV treatment is over and I will begin to see a neurologist in the future. In order to be diagnosed with MS, I have to show two separate occurrences of the disease, the vision loss being the first one. I show other signs currently, but until I have another MRI done to confirm or deny those symptoms, I cannot be diagnosed with MS yet. So, that’s it!

I would appreciate your continued prayers as I deal with this problem so far away from home. Honestly, I am very homesick but I know I am supposed to be here for a reason. I am lucky to have such a great support system here in DC and I couldn’t have asked for better friends. I am thankful for all of you who have called, prayed, and cared for me, both here in DC and in Texas. It is in times like these that make a person realize how great the body of Christ is. I have first hand experience with this! I can’t imagine going through this without you. Please know that you are so important to me, even if this message seems to be generic. For the ones that actually read this note, I know who you are. I have been thinking about you and I am glad you are reading this because I wanted you to know! Please do not be offended that I couldn’t personally call you all to tell you this important news. I’ve been on the phone constantly the past few hours and it’s very hard to retell it so many times. I love you so much. You are a blessing to me!

...i am intentionally not tagging anyone in this note, even though i want to. i dont want to forget anyone!

....edit....
i forgot to mention that some how the Lord provided the funds for my IV treatment to be paid for in full. I don't know how, but my doctor and social worker worked very hard to get it covered for me. I would not have been able to do the treatment if it wasn't for this! I will always remember the moment that my AMAZING doctor sat down next to me to tell me the news. Her eyes welled with tears and she said, "it's covered! you can do the treatment!" I could feel her compassion for me, her patient, and at that moment, I was thankful to her for her dedication to me. She knew the struggle I was going through financially, and being only a few years older than me, I felt like she was acting as my friend. I have been truly blessed to have her as a doctor and I couldn't have asked for anyone better. She has made me feel at ease here in a foreign place. She has answered my hundreds of questions and was patient with me when I lost it to tears. I felt like she really cared for me as a person and that she was on my side. THE LORD IS GOOD! HE PROVIDES FOR ALL OF OUR NEEDS!! HE KNEW WHAT HE WAS DOING WHEN HE PUT ME UNDER THE CARE OF DR. J!

Advent Conspiracy

2008-11-27T16:36:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I hope your day was filled with turkey, pie, and good times with family and friends. As you all know, tomorrow is Black Friday. Before you get out at 4am to get all the amazing sales, consider watching this short video from adventconspiracy.org.

I am thankful for you!

A Letter From South Africa

2008-11-07T12:15:00.000-08:00

written by Bishop Peter Strorey (S.Af) 11/3/08

Dear Friends in the United States,

Warmest greetings to you on this momentous evening. You have been much in our minds and on our hearts over these past few months as we have avidly followed the progress of your Presidential election campaign. As we’ve said before, what happens in your election profoundly affects us all.

And what a campaign! I recall a dinner table conversation in Atlanta way back in May, 2007, in the home of good friends Jim and Fentress Waits. Those around the table were talking with a deep sense of interest and hope about an exciting young Senator named Barack Obama. Back then, the possibility of Obama’s even gaining the nomination of his own party appeared so remote that it seemed more the stuff of dreams than reality.

Yet here you are, on the eve of an even more ‘impossible’ breakthrough tomorrow! Think of it: the nation whose original sin was to to buy and sell Africans like chattels, that legislated them less than human, could well elect an African-American tomorrow to be its First Citizen! I wonder if the people of the USA have fully realized what a liberating moment this could be? For African Americans, who hold their breath, not yet quite believing what might be possible tomorrow, this may be a step beyond even what Martin Luther King Jr saw from the mountain-top, but it is also more than that: it will be a day of liberation for all Americans: whether deeply conscious, as so many thoughtful people are, of this great burden of historic guilt, or defiantly denialist as too many on the shrill right wing remain. All - the good, the bad and the ugly - will take a giant step toward liberation from one of US history’s most burdensome shackles.

I say this because that is the experience we discovered the day Nelson Mandela took the oath of office as the first black President of South Africa. Millions of his exploited compatriots danced with obvious joy at their new freedom, but less expected and perhaps more amazing was the sense of liberation that came upon their erstwhile oppressors. White South Africans testified in large numbers to a new lightness of being, as if some invisible, dragging weight, was gone, and something new could be born.

Now I know that the USA is not South Africa, and your story is not identical with ours, but there are enough echoes for me to assure you that if the voters of America break this barrier tomorrow, you will experience what I’m talking about!

Of course, like so many of you, we are anxious as well as excited. Having seen how deep are the currents of fear and prejudice that still run across the length and breadth of the United States, we too hold our breath. Be assured that the hopes of the vast majority of the people of the wider world go with Senator Barack Obama. There is no question about this. I doubt that even 5 percent of South Africans of any race group have any desire to see anyone of George W Bush’s party near the White House. However, we have seen how easily US elections can be stolen and we are praying, as so many of you are, that tomorrow, the American people will march to the polls in greater numbers than ever before, determined to expunge eight of the most shameful years in US history. President Bush has brought America’s reputation so low, that from our point of view, another such blow from the US electorate would be almost impossible to understand. Eight years of arrogance and ignorance have been done deep harm in the rest of the world and to the image of a great nation. Surely they will be declared as enough by the people of the US?

But let us be hopeful! Just as tomorrow offers the opportunity for a great sense of historic liberation in the US, so it also offers a chance to radically alter the world’s current perception of America, and to open the door to new possibilities of healing and transformation for US foreign relations. If Obama is announced as your President-elect, there will be great rejoicing all around the globe. We will see new hope of the might of the United States being bent to works of justice and compassion and cooperation. We will see new possibilities for the poor of the earth: for the first time, Americans will have elected someone who knows what it is like to be on the outside as well as in the circle, who has actually worked among the poor, who has lived , however briefly, outside the American bubble, and who has the blood of the world’s most oppressed continent in his veins. Everyone of these factors speak of change.

You will recall that the day following September 11, 2001, France’s most famous newspaper ran the headline: ‘Today, we are all Americans!’ Well, please know that around the world there are so many people whose hopes ride on what you will do tomorrow, that I guess we wish we were all Americans! What a privilege it will be to vote in this election!

Our prayers are with you.

Warm regards,

Peter Storey

2008-07-25T21:34:00.000-07:00

New music to discover...

Lene Marlin, "Faces"

Pour me some wine, join me tonight Surround me with your happy faces Share some fun stories, stay up all night Surround me with your friendly faces Then look at me, when I'm not aware Then you'll see, I cannot do without you I'll be right there, if you ask me to If youre feeling sad, I'll stay with you And if you're scared, I'll hold your hand Like I know you'd do for me too, like I know You;d do for me too Pour me some wine, join me tonight Life is so good when I'm with you I needed the laughs, I needed you tonight So look at me, when I'm not aware Then you'll see, I cannot do without you I'll be right there, if you ask me to If you're feeling sad, I'll stay with you And if you're scared, I'll hold your hand Like I know you'd do for me too. I'll be right there, if you ask me to If you're feeling sad, I'll stay with you And if you're scared, I'll hold your hand Like I know you'd do for me too.

Love has come for YOU

2008-07-18T11:29:00.000-07:00

I want to share the lyrics to this song by Caedmon's Call called Ten Thousand Angels....

how long you have traveled in darkness weeping
no rest in language, no words to speak
but there in the wreckage beneath bricks and bindings
love has come, love has come for you

against the night sky of your waiting
your face is like starlight when he walks in
everything worth keeping comes through dying
love has come, love has come for you

so lift up your heart now, to this unfolding
all that has been broken will be restored
here runs deep waters for all who are thirsty
love has come, love has come for you

ten thousand angels will light your pathway
until the day breaks fully in the East
they will surround you and make your way straight
love has come, love has come for you
love has come, love has come for you

Words and Music by Sandra McCracken. c2002 Same Old Dress Music

Jesus has come for you...

FIGHT extreme POVERTY! Pass the GLOBAL poverty ACT

2008-07-16T18:45:00.000-07:00

This is a message from Bread For the World....

Friends,

Bread activist Matthew McAllister from Boulder, Colorado just called his senators to ask them to co-sponsor the Global Poverty Act. Check out the video he made of the call: http://www.vimeo.com/1347344

Be like Matthew. Call your senators to support cutting global hunger and extreme poverty in half by supporting the Global Poverty Act. The clock is ticking - there are only a few legislative weeks before Congress adjourns. We need your voice now more than ever! Here are some simple instructions:

*****************

Call both of your senators at 1-800-826-3688 as soon as possible (but not after July 25th) and tell him or her to either:

1. Cosponsor the Global Poverty Act

OR, if your senator is already a cosponsor (see list below), then:

2. Thank your senator for cosponsoring. Then tell him or her to please ask the Senate leadership to move this bill to the floor for full Senate consideration.

For more detailed suggestions on what to say during your calls, click here: http://www.bread.org/take-action/call-congress-today.html

*****************

WHY?
The Global Poverty Act (S.2433) would require the president to develop and implement a strategy made up of U.S. aid, debt relief, and trade policies to meet the goal of cutting by half the number of people who live on less than $1 a day by 2015. This bill would bring clarity, coordination, and accountability to our foreign assistance programs and would require regular reports to Congress on U.S. efforts to fight extreme poverty.

It has already passed in the House of Representatives but currently waits to be passed by the full Senate. The clock is ticking – there are only a few legislative weeks before Congress adjourns this year. Can you take a minute or two and make a quick call to your senator?

Time is running out. If it does not pass before the session ends, the whole process will have to start over again during the next Congress. Right now, it is time to urge Senate leadership to move this bill to the floor so it can get voted on.

The best way to show Senate leadership that the Global Poverty Act should be voted on by the full Senate is to present these leaders with a strong list of both Democrat and Republican supporters who are cosponsoring the bill (which is why you should call your senator!). There are 24 cosponsors in the Senate right now:

CA: Dianne Feinstein (D) and Barbara Boxer (D)
CT: Christopher Dodd (D)
DE: Joseph Biden (D)
IL: Richard Durbin (D) and Barack Obama (D) (Obama is the original cosponsor)
IN: Richard Lugar (R)
IA: Tom Harkin (D)
ME: Olympia Snowe (R) and Susan Collins (R)
MD: Barbara Mikulski (D)
MA: John Kerry (D)
NE: Chuck Hagel (R)
NJ: Robert Menendez (D)
NM : Jeff Bingaman (D)
NY : Charles Schumer (D)
OH : Sherrod Brown (D)
OR: Ron Wyden (D) and Gordon Smith (R)
PA: Robert Casey (D)
SD: Tim Johnson (D)
WA: Patty Murray (D) and Maria Cantwell (D)
WI: Russ Feingold (D)

The Global Poverty Act does not establish any new programs. Instead, it highlights the fact that extreme poverty won’t be solved by aid alone, but needs to be supported by good trade policy, debt cancellation, and public-private partnerships. These functions are currently scattered across the U.S. government. The Congressional Budget Office has estimated that the bill would cost less than $1 million to implement.

The Global Poverty Act (H.R. 1302) was introduced in the House of Representatives by Reps. Adam Smith (D-WA) and Spencer Bachus (R-AL) and collected 84 bipartisan cosponsors before it was passed on September 25, 2007. The Senate bill, S. 2433, was passed by the Foreign Relations Committee earlier this year and awaits the full approval of the Senate.

Want to learn more? Click here:http://www.bread.org/take-action/call-congress-today.html

Peace and Blessings,
Matt

Matt Newell-Ching
Western Regional Organizer

Bread for the World
HAVE FAITH. END HUNGER.
0245 SW Bancroft St. Suite B
Portland, OR 97239
toll-free 888-75-BREAD x1
direct 503-922-2182
fax 503-766-3539
www.bread.org

"Enough donkeys and elephants- Long live the Lamb"

2008-07-15T10:16:00.001-07:00

I read this today on God's Politics, a blog by Jim Wallis and friends. Shane Claiborne writes is his July 14th blog entitled, "Advice Everyone...Endorse No One," of his experience on the Jesus For President book tour. I had to share this amazing last paragraph...

Reporters often ask folks leaving our presentations funny questions like: "Young evangelicals are the swing vote in this election... has this evening affected how you are going to vote in November?" I heard one person say beautifully, "That's the wrong question... the real question is how can we become the change we want to see in the world TODAY and not just hope that every four years we can elect politicians to change the world for us." May it be so. May we continue to become the change we want to see in the Church and in the world. Enough donkeys and elephants - Long live the Lamb.

What are you doing to make a difference today?

A Fast from Cash

2008-07-10T12:50:00.001-07:00

Monday, I started a week long fast from credit cards. Initially, the desire to do such a thing rose from the lack of funds available on those cards. I recently lowered my credit limit so that I wouldn’t be tempted to continue a high balance once it was paid off. It was a way to keep myself accountable since I tend to be irresponsible in that department. However, that didn’t seem to work like I had intended. I was still spending money, coming within a few dollars of going over my limit. I would simply pay off a balance just to put one back on. When I looked over my recent purchases, food was the most common purchase with clothing stores coming in a close second. $15 at Matchbox, $13.60 at Austin Grill, $9 at Chipotle. That was just the past 2 days! To top it all off, I was spending close to $25 a week on Starbucks. Needless to say, I needed to get my spending under control.

I was about to embark upon something I’ve never committed to do ever before... fast from using money. I have to! I can’t keep living like this. I am here in D.C., living a personal life that contradicts the things I am doing and saying. When I speak to the groups about my passions and my dreams to see poverty and hunger fade away, here I am spending $15 on half of a pizza. What a hypocrite I am! I can’t expect the rich to give away their money or sell their possessions if I can’t sacrifice my own selfish desires and temptations to have the newest, greatest, bestest thing. (yes, I know bestest isn’t a word...but go with me here.)

Amelia and I shopped at Trader Joe’s on Sunday to stock up on groceries. I told myself that the groceries I purchased would be the last purchase for a week. I knew this fast was going to take some self-control and some strength, but I didn’t expect it to be too difficult. “It’s just a week. That’s easy.”

Honestly, I started this fast simply because I can’t afford to keep buying food and other meaningless things at this rate. I have literally run out of credit on my credit cards and I certainly don’t have any in my bank account. It was an easy choice- don’t spend because I don’t have anything to spend. It certainly isn’t a noble feat, just common sense. Little did I know what God was going to teach me through it.

This is day four of my fast from money. The first few days were easier simply because I didn’t need to buy anything. Eric and I ate some left over taco meat that was left in the fridge at the church. We ate that two days in a row. Lunch was covered. Monday, I ate left over Mexican food and Tuesday night I ate from my grocery supply at my house. Wednesday, I talked to the adult sponsors about my decision to fast from money and I guess they took pity me and treated me to a nutritious lunch at McDonalds. That was so sweet. Dinner that night was provided by a friend who had left over’s from his dinner. Score. Today’s lunch was a scrumptious frozen meal. I really love those. They are like comfort foods for me! As for dinner tonight, I’m sure I’ll eat some of the sandwich meat I have on hand at home. Food seems to be under control and easy to get!

In the few short days of this fast, I have learned so many things. First, I have learned how I spend my money without even thinking about it. I just pull out that little piece of plastic and swipe it. Easy. I could easy rack up a few hundred dollars if I wasn’t careful. By giving myself restrictions, I am able to fight the temptations to walk into a store to get a soda or to go to Macy’s and buy a dress or some new makeup. When I feel the need to buy something, anything, I just remind myself that I have committed to abstain from credit card purchases for a week. Then, the false feeling of need to buy something passes.

I’m learning that I suffer from compulsive buyer’s disease. I don’t think about the consequences of my purchases. When I walk into a store, especially one that sells high end designer bags, makeup and clothes, its like some sort of mechanism turns on in my head and takes over my thoughts and my actions. All I can focus on are those bags to the left, this new makeup line, or that new styled shoe. It’s like I’m in a vacuum. Nothing else matters except my potential material possession. They call out to me. “Carrie! Carrie! Buy me! Take me home!” I am forced to cater to their demands by surrendering my little piece of plastic into the hands of their master. I’m a prisoner and I can’t break free. Until now.

My credit card fast has opened my eyes to what is really a need and how most of my purchases are simply unnecessary. I am privileged to live in a country that is so wealthy yet there are so many people around the world that live on less than $1 a day. I can’t seem to shake the feelings of guilt when I buy something unnecessary that just adds to my pile of crap. My eyes are opened to my reckless spending habits.

I’ve also learned a lot about God’s provision. It’s true! He does provide for all of my needs! It is so easy to give credit to your card for providing since it is the bridge that crosses the gap between the store’s property and your personal possession. But when you take a step back and stop relying on your credit card, you are able to see how God uses others to provide for your needs. The story of the sponsor buying McDonald’s for me is a perfect example. I don’t have to worry about where my next meal comes from. I know that I will be fed. God will provide.

It’s a liberating feeling when you break free from the bondage of money. It enslaves us and dictates so much of what we do, say, and think. When we think of our money as not ours but simply something God has given us, it is a lot easier to share with others and give things to those who have nothing. We didn’t earn any of it and therefore we have no right to hoard it! I’m trying the best I can to reverse these dangerous practices I’ve known for 24 years.

Not only have I learned a lot about myself and my priorities as far as my money is concerned and the truth that God is a provider, I have also gained a little tiny morsel of perspective on how some people struggle to do certain things that they want simply because they don’t have the fund available. I want this experience in D.C. to be one that changes me forever, not only for a brief moment. I hope to learn as much as I can about the millions of people that struggle from paycheck to paycheck just to feed their family. By abstaining from my credit card, I can see how there are certain things I want and need yet I can’t purchase right now. However, most people can’t purchase the essentials because all their money goes to rent and bills. My experience is just a tiny look into the lives of the poor.

To top it all off, there are certainly added health benefits to all of this. Since I am no longer frequenting Starbucks and the local restaurants by the office, I am able to cut back on calories. Ever since I moved to D.C., I’ve struggled to meet my goal of losing 15 lbs before school starts. Luckily, I haven’t gained any, so that is positive. By abstaining from purchases I am able to eat what I have already purchased, including fresh fruits and veggies. It takes a few extra seconds to plan out what I am going to eat that day instead of relying on Subway or Cal Tor.

Overall, I have really enjoyed the past few days without money. As a result, I have decided to continue this fast for another week but allowing myself to purchase truly necessary items such as groceries and toiletries. I need to cut out all the fluff and this experiment is allowing me to do so!

A New Perspective

2008-07-08T20:25:00.000-07:00

An excerpt from my journal.

June 16, 2008

Tuesday I spent the afternoon

at the Holocaust museum. I was emotionally and physically drained after spending three and a half hours reading and watching everything I could see. By the end of the exhibit, my eyes were hurting and my brain was on overload. Most of all, my heart was hurting as I tried to internalize the hurt and neglect so many people faced in the 1930’s. I don’t even know how to put into words what I experienced that day. However, I will never forget the moment I walked into the Hall of Remembrance.

When I finally got to then end of the exhibit, I walked into a memorial room where you could light candles in memory of those who passed away. Old Testament verses were written on the walls. The room was well lit. If I had to use one color to describe it, it would be white. You see, the entire exhibit, all three floors, is dimly lit. Only the things you need to read or see have lighting. It’s very solemn. I felt the pain and darkness. But once you walked into this room at then end, it was like it really was the end... like the bright light you see at the end of life. That’s what it felt like, as if we were finally out of the darkness and in the light. It’s symbolic of my journey through the maze- now I see the “light.” Injustice and suffering is all around us. I can’t sit back and allow something like that happen to anyone, especially after all that I have seen. When I walked into the bright room, I just lost it in tears. I wasn’t emotional until that moment. I felt ashamed, sorrow, and embarrassment. I was mad and wanted to shout at the top of my lungs, “how did this happen?” That moment was a life changing one. I realized that I CAN’T sit back and be complacent. I have to make a difference because if I don’t act on what I’ve seen, WHO WILL?

I journeyed home and thought about all that I had seen. I thought about my life and my purpose here. Life is much bigger than I thought. I can’t be selfish and live for myself. I have to seek change. I have to encourage others to do the same. I want to make a difference and work for good. I want others to know the love of Christ as I help work to make injustice and poverty history.

"The next time you see injustice, think about what you saw. The next time you witness hatred, think about what you saw. The next time you hear about genocide, think about what you saw."

A New Beginning

2008-07-08T18:50:00.000-07:00

Today I post for the first time on this site. I was a long time Xanga user and I still plan on using it from time to time. However, I feel this site will be a new beginning; a new start that symbolizes a change that has happened in me while in our nation's capitol city.

Blogging is dangerous. If anyone actually reads this, they might get more than they bargained for: an intimate look into my thoughts, theology, life philosophy and opinions. Scary.

I wrote this today in my journal....

Theology classes have been wonderful for me but a curse at the same time. I have been thinking too much about how God works. This is my problem: On one hand, I often use a common church language that I have been taught in the past that points to a kind of God that I don’t believe in now. I catch myself writing or explaining things to others that I wouldn’t normally say if I had time to think about it what the words really implied. Since I've learned the church language through my experience in the church, it comes out like second nature. On the other hand, I have learned theologically what it means for God to be "in control of the future" and I can't accept it. I don’t believe God is a puppet master who has determined every little detail! I can't believe that! What kind of God has determined pain, suffering, hunger and neglect for those He "loves"? That is NOT love.

I don’t believe he has determined all things in my life. So, if God hasn't mapped out my future in exact detail, what role does he play in my future? Is he as clueless as I am? What level of knowledge does He have? Should I even trust him? Yes.

I have a deeper understanding of what it means to trust God despite the fact that my theological understanding of God isn't exactly set and consistent yet. God is always working for the good. He wants me to love others as Jesus loved, caring for the poor and bringing the good news of the Gospel to all I encounter. This is my purpose.