Lack of purpose

You know it's been a while since I've blogged because I couldn't even remember what my blog site was called. I had to find the web address on my facebook. Ridiculous.

What is the purpose of this blog? Other than updating the ONE reader of my boring life, I think it serves no purpose. So, I am going to try to revamp my blog and make it one worthy of reading. See ya when I decide on something....

Baby Steps

Writing has always come fairly easy to me. I'm pretty good at grammar and style, but when it comes to the content of the piece, I tend to struggle. What's worse is that I can't seem to get motivated to write anything. I have plenty of things in my head that would be potential topics, but I am so lazy that I am incapable of putting words on the screen. I am amazed that I'm writing anything at all right now! [be amazed.]

My life in Austin, Texas this past year has not been when I expected it to be. Moving from the capitol city of the nation to the capitol city of Texas was supposed to be a turning point in my life. Maybe it was. I mean, I met the love of my life here, so I can't complain about that. But I don't have much else to show for the past year's worth of my existence. I'm broke, jobless, and in debt. I've lost most of my intellectual confidence, gained a few pounds of weight, and cut my long hair into a short mess. But maybe, throughout this time of uncertainty, God has used this past year of tears, as therapy to bring me to a state of healing so that I would be able to more clearly understand what he is to lay out for me.

As I embark on this new chapter (which will not be revealed publicly for a few more months), I look forward to figuring out how God's going to use it. Oh, how I hope he does.

That's all for now.

Baby steps.

"You touched my heart and you touched my soul"

I seem to take my mood cues from music. Whatever I'm listening to dictates my mood. I love to quote music lyrics. Music reminds me of certain life events, people, and places. I associate my memories directly to the music I was listening to at the time. When I listen to anything from Mamma Mia, I think of that time I convinced Shelton that seeing the sing-a-long version of Mamma Mia would be a fabulous idea. (He loved it by the way...HA!) It also reminds me of Jenny because she would listen to that soundtrack over and over again until she finally got the movie for her birthday. When I hear Ashley Simpson, I am reminded of the time that Kat P and I drove around Brownwood singing "Pieces of Me." It also reminds me of the summer that I listened to Jessica Simpson everyday as I drove to work in Granite Shoals. My sister got me hooked on that album. Anytime a song from RENT comes on, I am reminded of all the times Kristen and I sang our hearts out as we drove to get a soda at the gas station or when we did "fly-bys" or when we cried over boys. And who could forget.... "Back that ass up"....I will always remember this song because it played over and over again in the background of the first party I ever went to. I was a sophomore in high school and had never been around underaged drinking in my entire life. I was scared out of my mind. So was T and Mandar. Mandar's mom was picking us up from the party and we were all so scared to do anything that might make her mom suspicious so we were the cool ones that just watched in awe as everyone else got wasted and we sat around holding drinks, pretending like we were actually drinking them. (I'm pretty sure we were all too scared to actually drink them.) ha! Oh and mandar... "A long, long time ago. I can still remember.....sh*t brown truck." Need I say more? That song is the theme song for our entire Junior year and all the shenanigans we got into with band boys and flat tires and such!

Dave Matthews always reminds me of Brett, Nathan, Tara, Jo, David, and Ben. I remember the time that Nathan and I snuck away from Fiesta to go down to Rivercenter mall to buy tickets to our first Dave concert. It was well worth the risk of being busted. Beastie Boys make me think of IXA and their awesome spring sing shows. I will always remember the time I painted my room in 8th grade. I listened to the entire Celine Dion album called, "Let's Talk About Love." I listened to it about 100 times. HALLE BERRY! HALLE BERRY HALLE BERRY. Always Jo. (and of course, the Jesse McCartney song, "Leavin.") Eddie Vedder's soundtrack to "Into the Wild" always reminds me of last summer in DC. I played that album a lot as I spent many hours in the office, being productive, of course. "Ghetto Prostitute" aka "Ghetto Superstar" is a memory that I will always have of Lauren Kelly. "You are a tower"- Kelly, Wall, Bates and Choir Tour in Tennessee. "Blessed are They" reminds me of all the times Lauren and I sang that song duet style and when Katy sang her solo on choir tour to NYC.

Flight of the Concords reminds me of Josh, Garth Brooks reminds me of Stan, Goo Goo Dolls reminds me of Kelly in 8th grade, and Def Leppard reminds me of Eleazar. "Go on, go on...leave me breathless" Ahh, good times with Tara and her pep squad officer routine. I can still do that dance too. Anytime a good 80's classic comes on, I am always reminded of Kendal and Mal and all the times we danced around the apartment singing and laughing. Oh, and how could i forget?? "I don't even know...where my life would be!!" oh Mal. Gotta love her! Muse always makes me think of Lauren. So does Slumdog and Wicked. Any of the music on Grey's will always remind me of Lauren too since that was our show that we watched together (among many others).

It's obvious that listening to music is how I am reminded of all of my memories. Music serves as the place marker in my mind for all the good times I have shared with all of my good friends. Just a few notes in a song or a few phrases of lyrics can muster up the memories I thought I had forgotten. I am thankful for the role that music and lyrics play in my life. If you read my tweets, you know how central music lyrics are to me. Music often is able to express feelings and emotions in ways that I am not able to articulate. There is beauty in them and I appreciate the thought that each writer put into his or her songs. I search for lyrics that can express my joy, my pain, or my despair. When I find them, I hold them close. They then become directly associated with that moment in my life and I forever remember those times based on that particular song. Sitting on the metro today, ipod on shuffle, I found a song that is almost exactly perfect for what I am feeling at this moment. I've never even heard this song before. Didn't even know I had it. Funny how this is exactly what what I want to say to you even though I don't know how.....

"Goodbye My Lover" by James Blunt

Did I disappoint you or let you down?

Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?

'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,

Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.

So I took what's mine by eternal right.

Took your soul out into the night.

It may be over but it won't stop there,

I am here for you if you'd only care.

You touched my heart you touched my soul.

You changed my life and all my goals.

And love is blind and that I knew when,

My heart was blinded by you.

I've kissed your lips and held your hand.

Shared your dreams and shared your bed.

I know you well, I know your smell.

I've been addicted to you.

[x2]

Goodbye my lover.

Goodbye my friend.

You have been the one.

You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer and when i wake,

You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.

And as you move on, remember me,

Remember us and all we used to be

I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.

I've watched you sleeping for a while.

I'd be the father of your child.

I'd spend a lifetime with you.

I know your fears and you know mine.

We've had our doubts but now we're fine,

And I love you, I swear that's true.

I cannot live without you.

[x2]

Goodbye my lover.

Goodbye my friend.

You have been the one.

You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.

In mine when I'm asleep.

And I will bare my soul in time,

When I'm kneeling at your feet.

Goodbye my lover.

Goodbye my friend.

You have been the one.

You have been the one for me.

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.

I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.

I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

Wasting time with designer handbags

Hello all. Sorry that my medical update below didn't exactly post well. I'm not sure how to fix that. If you wanna read that, go to my facebook. It's there and not cut off like it is here.

I feel like I should blog more. Why? I'm not sure. I've recently focused my efforts of updating you on my life via Twitter or Facebook status, but I feel like that might not be good enough. But honestly, who is even reading this blog and who even cares? Sometimes I don't. But I guess it's nice to have some sort of public journal that I can go back to and read one day far in the future. Will I even care then to read the rants of a heartbroken, moody female? Who honestly wants to read about that? Well, I certainly don't. Admit it. You don't want to either. So why are you reading this?

Ha! I must be in some mood today. Work is about to get really busy next week and I need to conserve all the energy I have so that I can actually survive what Eric and I have named, "Hell Week."

This is my first attempt to begin blogging again. Don't blame me for the short post. Heck, I'm at work. I shouldn't be wasting time writing to invisible no ones.....especially because I spent the morning bidding on Longchamp handbags. Ugh, my obsession with designer bags. I'm poor. I don't have money to spend on designer bags. But, used is the way to go. Let's hope I win at least one of the 8 bids I placed. Let's be honest, there is no way my bid of $20 is going to win a designer handbag. ;)

Until I post again, farewell....

....and I thought I had everything planned....

Well, my sweet friends...this is a post I recently posted on Facebook. I am posting it here so that you blogger friends can read it. I know you have probably already read it on FB anyways, but here goes.....

I am writing you this note because it is a lot easier for me to say it once then to call each of you and explain what is going on. First, I want to say thank you for your prayers and support. The past week has been easier because I knew you were behind me and praying for me. For those who are unaware of what is going on, here is an explination....

On Saturday night, I lost vision in my right eye. I’m not completely blind, but my vision is very blurry, making it incredibly difficult to read, facebook stalk, and watch TV. I thought it was just a problem with my contact so I ignored it. The next day, the problem persisted, and it has yet to go away. I spent half the day on Tuesday and all day Wednesday in the Eye Center wing of the Washington Hospital Center. The doctors are amazing and I have actually enjoyed my experience, but as an uninsured patient, things are not easy for me. I am fortunate to have found the WHC because they see patients who have no income and who are uninsured at a very reasonable price. I was seen by 4 different doctors and had 3 or 4 different tests done. No one could figure out what was wrong. They said my eye is perfectly healthy and looks exactly like it should. Since we know it's not my eye, it must be a problem in the brain. This could also explain other problems I have been experiencing like my extreme dizziness, sensitivity to light, fatigue, and a number of other issues. The doctor ordered an MRI, but since I am uninsured, I can't afford to get this test done. It will cost $4500 for the one test. After hours of crying and worrying, I finally found a place that would do my MRI for $1400- the exact amount I had in my savings. Although it was incredibly hard to write a check for that amount, I am confident that the Lord knew what He was doing when I put that money into my savings account only a few months ago. My MRI was scheduled for 3pm on Thursday and this morning I picked up the results and took it to my doctor to be analyzed.

Here are the results.... Basically, I have what’s called optic neuritis. Optic neuritis is inflammation of the optic nerve, which causes vision loss. Also found in the MRI were two small areas of white matter changes which are suggestive of a demyelinating disease like multiple sclerosis. Although I have not been diagnosed with MS yet, I have many of the beginning signs of it. I have started IV treatment today and will continue to receive IV treatment for the next few days at the hospital. This treatment will speed up recovery to my lost vision and decrease any reoccurrence that may come up within the next few years. I will begin oral steroids after my IV treatment is over and I will begin to see a neurologist in the future. In order to be diagnosed with MS, I have to show two separate occurrences of the disease, the vision loss being the first one. I show other signs currently, but until I have another MRI done to confirm or deny those symptoms, I cannot be diagnosed with MS yet. So, that’s it!

I would appreciate your continued prayers as I deal with this problem so far away from home. Honestly, I am very homesick but I know I am supposed to be here for a reason. I am lucky to have such a great support system here in DC and I couldn’t have asked for better friends. I am thankful for all of you who have called, prayed, and cared for me, both here in DC and in Texas. It is in times like these that make a person realize how great the body of Christ is. I have first hand experience with this! I can’t imagine going through this without you. Please know that you are so important to me, even if this message seems to be generic. For the ones that actually read this note, I know who you are. I have been thinking about you and I am glad you are reading this because I wanted you to know! Please do not be offended that I couldn’t personally call you all to tell you this important news. I’ve been on the phone constantly the past few hours and it’s very hard to retell it so many times. I love you so much. You are a blessing to me!

...i am intentionally not tagging anyone in this note, even though i want to. i dont want to forget anyone!

....edit....

i forgot to mention that some how the Lord provided the funds for my IV treatment to be paid for in full. I don't know how, but my doctor and social worker worked very hard to get it covered for me. I would not have been able to do the treatment if it wasn't for this! I will always remember the moment that my AMAZING doctor sat down next to me to tell me the news. Her eyes welled with tears and she said, "it's covered! you can do the treatment!" I could feel her compassion for me, her patient, and at that moment, I was thankful to her for her dedication to me. She knew the struggle I was going through financially, and being only a few years older than me, I felt like she was acting as my friend. I have been truly blessed to have her as a doctor and I couldn't have asked for anyone better. She has made me feel at ease here in a foreign place. She has answered my hundreds of questions and was patient with me when I lost it to tears. I felt like she really cared for me as a person and that she was on my side. THE LORD IS GOOD! HE PROVIDES FOR ALL OF OUR NEEDS!! HE KNEW WHAT HE WAS DOING WHEN HE PUT ME UNDER THE CARE OF DR. J!

Advent Conspiracy

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I hope your day was filled with turkey, pie, and good times with family and friends.  As you all know, tomorrow is Black Friday.  Before you get out at 4am to get all the amazing sales, consider watching this short video from adventconspiracy.org.

I am thankful for you!

A Letter From South Africa

written by Bishop Peter Strorey (S.Af) 11/3/08

Dear Friends in the United States,

Warmest greetings to you on this momentous evening. You have been much in our minds and on our hearts over these past few months as we have avidly followed the progress of your Presidential election campaign. As we’ve said before, what happens in your election profoundly affects us all.

And what a campaign! I recall a dinner table conversation in Atlanta way back in May, 2007, in the home of good friends Jim and Fentress Waits. Those around the table were talking with a deep sense of interest and hope about an exciting young Senator named Barack Obama. Back then, the possibility of Obama’s even gaining the nomination of his own party appeared so remote that it seemed more the stuff of dreams than reality.

Yet here you are, on the eve of an even more ‘impossible’ breakthrough tomorrow! Think of it: the nation whose original sin was to to buy and sell Africans like chattels, that legislated them less than human, could well elect an African-American tomorrow to be its First Citizen! I wonder if the people of the USA have fully realized what a liberating moment this could be? For African Americans, who hold their breath, not yet quite believing what might be possible tomorrow, this may be a step beyond even what Martin Luther King Jr saw from the mountain-top, but it is also more than that: it will be a day of liberation for all Americans: whether deeply conscious, as so many thoughtful people are, of this great burden of historic guilt, or defiantly denialist as too many on the shrill right wing remain. All - the good, the bad and the ugly - will take a giant step toward liberation from one of US history’s most burdensome shackles.

I say this because that is the experience we discovered the day Nelson Mandela took the oath of office as the first black President of South Africa. Millions of his exploited compatriots danced with obvious joy at their new freedom, but less expected and perhaps more amazing was the sense of liberation that came upon their erstwhile oppressors. White South Africans testified in large numbers to a new lightness of being, as if some invisible, dragging weight, was gone, and something new could be born.

Now I know that the USA is not South Africa, and your story is not identical with ours, but there are enough echoes for me to assure you that if the voters of America break this barrier tomorrow, you will experience what I’m talking about!

Of course, like so many of you, we are anxious as well as excited. Having seen how deep are the currents of fear and prejudice that still run across the length and breadth of the United States, we too hold our breath. Be assured that the hopes of the vast majority of the people of the wider world go with Senator Barack Obama. There is no question about this. I doubt that even 5 percent of South Africans of any race group have any desire to see anyone of George W Bush’s party near the White House. However, we have seen how easily US elections can be stolen and we are praying, as so many of you are, that tomorrow, the American people will march to the polls in greater numbers than ever before, determined to expunge eight of the most shameful years in US history. President Bush has brought America’s reputation so low, that from our point of view, another such blow from the US electorate would be almost impossible to understand. Eight years of arrogance and ignorance have been done deep harm in the rest of the world and to the image of a great nation. Surely they will be declared as enough by the people of the US?

But let us be hopeful! Just as tomorrow offers the opportunity for a great sense of historic liberation in the US, so it also offers a chance to radically alter the world’s current perception of America, and to open the door to new possibilities of healing and transformation for US foreign relations. If Obama is announced as your President-elect, there will be great rejoicing all around the globe. We will see new hope of the might of the United States being bent to works of justice and compassion and cooperation. We will see new possibilities for the poor of the earth: for the first time, Americans will have elected someone who knows what it is like to be on the outside as well as in the circle, who has actually worked among the poor, who has lived , however briefly, outside the American bubble, and who has the blood of the world’s most oppressed continent in his veins. Everyone of these factors speak of change.

You will recall that the day following September 11, 2001, France’s most famous newspaper ran the headline: ‘Today, we are all Americans!’ Well, please know that around the world there are so many people whose hopes ride on what you will do tomorrow, that I guess we wish we were all Americans! What a privilege it will be to vote in this election!

Our prayers are with you.

Warm regards,

Peter Storey